The first time my toddler practiced her negotiating skills on me, I was delighted - after of course, I got over the shock of not being obeyed. It was my first real glimpse into the working of her young mind, and a revelation as to how well she knew what motivated me.
It's been a long ride from that first effort to get an extra cookie to our latest clash of wills over the all-night party after prom. Along the way, she has been inventive, persuasive, creative, persistent, occasionally belligerent, and sometimes downright annoying. On most issues, we strike a compromise. A couple of times, when my logic was flawed or my objections small, she has charmed me into giving way. Then there are those times when the short answer is NO and the long answer is NO WAY. It is for those occasions that I learned to be a brick wall.
Even when your child's request seems patently ridiculous, unreasonable, or dangerous to you, if he or she feels strongly enough about it to bring the subject up with you, he/she will energetically argue to convince you to consent. Concerning the prom night sleepover, my daughter employed all the techniques: wheedling and whining (Haven't I always been the best kid? Everyone I know is going!); bribes and promises (she baked and served brownies and promised to do the dishes); exhaustion persistence (Can I go, please? But why? Please? But why? Please? But why?); and emotional punishment (pouting, anger, insults, and withdrawal).
Her father and I resisted all this with relative ease. How? We were firm in our convictions, and we've had a lot of practice blandly responding with these three magic phrases:
1) I understand.
2) Asked and answered.
3) Your complaint has been registered.
I understand works well with wheedling and whining, and can be employed immediately to let your child know a variety of things; that you are listening; that you are considering the request but not committing to a decision; that you realize he is feeling stress or anxiety; that this request is important to him. Stated simply and calmly, I understand is also useful to help diffuse the emotional charge inherent in the emotional punishment technique. Brick walls don't get emotional, after all.
Asked and answered is very effective against the exhaustion persistence method; however, it should not be employed until after you have actually answered, with reasons, twice. For the third and every subsequent prod, reply asked and answered without making eye contact or pausing from what you are doing. Once your child figures out that you are not going to exhaust yourself by coming up with more lame excuses to argue with her, she'll lose interest in the game. It's no fun to argue with a brick wall.
Use the ultimate bureaucratic brick wall response, your complaint has been registered, to put an end (at least for the night) to all arguments. Repeat as necessary until your child recognizes that you have heard his pleas but remain unswayed, and that life will go on in the morning.
As with all aspects of child rearing, consistency and follow through are the most important factors for instilling your child with respect for you and your decisions. If your best instincts tell you that no is the right answer, stick to your guns. Your child will not take you seriously next time if you resist at first, then crumble when he applies more pressure.
Oh, and by the way, the brownies were delicious.
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